I just sent an email to a local Taiko Dojo. They have their new student orientation in October. Just...a feeling I had today...don't know if I'm going to follow through...don't know if I can...don't know if I can't...
So much has been mulling about my tired and foggy excuse for a brain and between Mojo's feeling unwell and the normal baby wrangling, I've not had time to sit and write. There is much I need to write about Robin, memories that pop up at unexpected times. At Robbie's memorial last Sunday, the Taiko drumming gave me something and I need to transcribe the cathartic scribbles of that experience.
The drums filled my chest. It was an amazing experience. If I sit quietly they rise again through my body like the beating of my heart. They took me to a place that I had forgotten about and never wrote of and the words came pouring out like a flood. But I'm not sure I'm ready to reread and transcribe that yet. It's really very raw. And I am starting to feel somewhat human again.
I got an email from his mother that is sweet and searching and I've wanted to write her for days but have been unable to. There is something in the way and I don't know what it is. The lack of time to grieve, to rememeber, to laugh.
Being a mother now, I can't imagine what she must be going through. I can only hope to raise my daughter to be as present, as gentle and as aware as Robbie was.
Shit. That was hard to write. That was. The tense is just wrong. So now I'm crying and my daredevil daughter is trying to climb atop the refrigerator.
Perhaps tonight I will have the solitude and space to really write.
Photo sent by Robin to Eelia Goldsmith-Henderscheid. Photographer unknown.