So much has been mulling about my tired and foggy excuse for a brain and between Mojo's feeling unwell and the normal baby wrangling, I've not had time to sit and write. There is much I need to write about Robin, memories that pop up at unexpected times. At Robbie's memorial last Sunday, the Taiko drumming gave me something and I need to transcribe the cathartic scribbles of that experience.
The drums filled my chest. It was an amazing experience. If I sit quietly they rise again through my body like the beating of my heart. They took me to a place that I had forgotten about and never wrote of and the words came pouring out like a flood. But I'm not sure I'm ready to reread and transcribe that yet. It's really very raw. And I am starting to feel somewhat human again.
I got an email from his mother that is sweet and searching and I've wanted to write her for days but have been unable to. There is something in the way and I don't know what it is. The lack of time to grieve, to rememeber, to laugh.
Being a mother now, I can't imagine what she must be going through. I can only hope to raise my daughter to be as present, as gentle and as aware as Robbie was.
Shit. That was hard to write. That was. The tense is just wrong. So now I'm crying and my daredevil daughter is trying to climb atop the refrigerator.
Perhaps tonight I will have the solitude and space to really write.
Photo sent by Robin to Eelia Goldsmith-Henderscheid. Photographer unknown.
3 comments:
I am having somewhat of a block myself. For me, it feels like if I acknowlege these feeling inside of me, than they are real, and then I must let myself feel the hurt that I am trying to ignore. Probably not the best way to deal with things, but it's just me. I am having a difficult time writing anything of meaning at all because nothing seems to compare to the things I am hiding from inside. May sound strange, but I just thought I would share this with you, because maybe a little of how I am handling (or not handling) will in someway mean something and help you. Its very easy to get caught up with everyday life and not allow yourself to feel. I am guessing it will catch up at a most inconvenient time and may be more of a problem than...
It's so hard to sit in a place of grief and not really be able to move with it. Life, the care of others, it can get in the way. But it can also save us from the crushing weight of grief... make it possible for us to move through it and survive. Hopefully tonight, you can sit in silence, let the drums fill you and... well, let it be. If not tonight then when it's right. In any event, know I'll be thinking about you in a not at all creepy way. ;)
Thank you both so much! I really appreciate the support.
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